A good conversation with: Kai!

We often hear that many transgender individuals have faced their journeys alone for a long time and find significant support from others going through similar experiences. We want to change that by sharing experiences in our blogs. In the section ‘A good conversation with,’ we share personal stories. Today, we post our first blog, ‘A good conversation with: Kai!’ We hope you enjoy reading it and find his experiences helpful.

Could you tell us something about yourself and your background?

Hello, hello, my name is Kai Hagenaar, I am 22 years old and from the beautiful city of Utrecht. I am a guy who loves to have adventures and create beautiful memories. I enjoy making videos on TikTok and find a lot of joy in it. In my free time, I like going to festivals. But really, I try to make every day a little party. ;)

When did you first realize you were transgender?

I introduce myself as a boy now. But I wasn’t born this way. I was born a girl. But I never really felt like a girl. Until I was 16, I didn’t really understand what was going on with me. I felt like a stranger in my own body. But I didn’t know about the concept of being transgender. I actually thought for a long time that there was something wrong with me. At 16, I met a boy who was transgender. I talked to him about feeling like my body wasn’t mine. Through him, I realized I wasn’t crazy, that what I felt was valid. After talking with him several times, I took the step to go to the doctor, who then helped me get on the waiting list at the VUmc. (The VUmc is a hospital in Amsterdam that provides medical and psychological care for transgender people)

How was your experience with coming out?

After I signed up with the doctor, I wanted to “come out” to my surroundings. I first confided in two friends. I wanted to know how it felt to be called Kai and addressed with he/him pronouns before telling my family. From the moment they addressed me as he/him, I almost knew 100% sure, this is me!

How did your family and friends react when you told them?

Then came the moment when I shared this with my family, and it was very exciting. I had written down on paper how I wanted to tell them. Easter was coming up, so I decided that would be a good time to tell them, as most of the family would be there. Before the Easter brunch, I mentioned that I wanted to share something with everyone and asked them to listen. I read the letter aloud, and at that moment, the reactions were very positive. Unfortunately, this did not remain the case. I am a twin, and my twin sister found it very complicated. She didn’t accept me until I had been on hormones for a few months. My father didn’t want to hear anything about it. In his eyes, I was/is his daughter, and he still doesn’t want to see it any other way. I decided to stop contact with him. He doesn’t have to accept me, but he can respect me. When he chose to do neither, continuing to address me with my old name and she/her pronouns, I decided to stop contact completely after three years. I’ve been on hormones for 1.5 years now and had my surgery about six months ago, and I notice that everyone in my family now accepts it.

What challenges have you encountered during your transition?

The challenges I faced most during my transition will probably be just “everyday things” for many people. Things that no one thinks about, but that were a huge task for me and still are with some things. Getting up in the morning and then stepping into the shower, before my surgery, was a day-long task. I hated seeing my own body. Grocery shopping? It wasn’t just going to the store. Every time I was worried if I looked masculine enough. I’ve had many instances where people in the store asked me, ‘Are you a boy or a girl?’ often in an intimidating way, and if I didn’t answer and just tried to walk away, they would often shout at me, ‘man-woman, homo, it.‘ Those are just two examples of the challenges I faced in my transition. But I think the biggest challenge wasn’t even something negative. The biggest challenge for me was learning to live and not just survive.

Who has been your biggest supporter during your journey?

During my transition, I’ve lost people, but I’ve also had a few who have always supported me despite everything. For me, those were Elies, my ex-girlfriend (before we broke up), and my ‘brother from another mother,’ Semme. I’ve known Elies since I was 12, and she has never judged me. I’ve always been able to be myself with her and still can! My ex-girlfriend supported me enormously in the psychological part; every time I felt weird or had feelings I couldn’t place, I could talk to her about it. She gave me the assurance that I could do my transition my way, that there was no right or wrong. And then my brother, Semme. He has come with me to so many appointments. I had no connection with my psychologist at the VU, which I found very difficult. The VU didn’t want to transfer me to another psychologist. So, Semme motivated me every time to just go.

Can you share your experience with hormone therapy?

Before starting male hormones, I was asked if I had a desire to have children, which I wasn’t sure about. So, I decided to undergo an IVF procedure before starting testosterone since testosterone can lead to infertility. After this intense process, I began male hormones. I started with Androgel, a daily hormone gel. I found Androgel made me restless because I struggled to apply it at the same time each day. After nearly a year, I switched to Nebido, an injectable form of testosterone, similar to a depo shot. I receive an injection every three months, which releases testosterone into my body. Switching to Nebido made me much more stable, a world of difference.

What was your experience with any surgeries?

After a year on hormones, I had my mastectomy (breast removal), the best choice of my life. It felt like I could finally breathe. I no longer had to hide. I had spent years with a hunched back to cover my chest. Now, I could wear any clothes I wanted without worrying if they covered me enough. This surgery brought me closer to myself. The hormones also helped me significantly, both mentally and physically.

How do you feel about the changes in your body and presentation?

I am thrilled with most of the changes. The only thing I find challenging is the amount of body hair that has grown in certain areas, haha. But thanks to changes like my voice, face shape, and facial hair, I finally feel comfortable going out and shopping without being called names or approached by strangers.

What role has the LGBTQIA+ community played in your life?

Before my transition, the LGBTQ+ community didn’t play a significant role in my life; I knew it and supported it. But since I started my transition, it has become more important. I began making videos on TikTok to help the LGBTQ+ community, especially transgender individuals, because I also sought such examples during my transition. But there wasn’t one at that time. I hope I can be that example for the LGBTQ+ community.

Are there any resources or organizations that have been particularly helpful to you?

The binders from TransUndeez helped me immensely before my surgery. If I hadn’t had those binders, I think I would have lost a significant part of my freedom. I simply didn’t dare to go outside because I was afraid people would see my chest.

What are your dreams and goals for the future?

My dreams for the future are to have a stable place, a place I can truly call home, and from there, help people. Especially trans youth in foster care. That would be my dream! Whether through videos or by becoming a point of contact for people.

What advice would you give to other trans boys or young trans people who are just starting?

My biggest advice would be: ‘Listen to yourself, go on a journey of discovery.’ There’s no right or wrong. Learn to discover who you are, cut your hair, paint your nails, wear that dress or that cool sweater. It doesn’t matter; go on a journey to discover yourself. And don’t be too hard on yourself in this. Follow your heart!!

How can allies best support trans people?

Let’s respect each other’s values and support one another by helping someone on their journey of discovery.

Is there anything else you want to share about your journey?

My journey has been an enormous rollercoaster, mainly due to the IVF process, which I found quite challenging. What I want to say is that if you are going through IVF, think it through carefully and ensure you have a supportive network beside you. But I think the most important thing I want to convey is: have a lot of fun and success discovering who you are, and remember, there’s no right or wrong in your transition!

Where can people follow your story or find more information about trans issues?

On my TikTok, I make videos about my transition, and you can follow me there @kaihagenaar.

July 2024

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